Apparently The Red Carpet reminded me of every cable Wedding show or why Kathryn Hahn is still my favorite.
Darlings,Tonight of course, was the night of the Golden Globes. And I have to say - for the first time in a while, the red carpet did not disappoint. In fact, in order to keep this post to a civilized length, I really had to edit, at which, darlings, you know I am no good.I know I haven't done this in quite some time, but darlings, first things first. I just could not let this particular crime go unpunished.For me, this dress evokes hints of both Mama Rose and Mrs. Hannigan with just a touch of Nomi Malone. (If you can't place these references, darlings, you may want to just stop reading now. It is unlikely anything else will make more sense.) This dress feels like one of those dresses on Say Yes to the Dress that makes every single home viewer cringe. The "naked" dresses that you know instantaneously that the bride will regret wearing almost immediately. The ones that are see-through - they are lingerie with a long skirt. This is like that, but for a Pirate themed wedding.And I can't even begin to talk about the sleeves.They feel someone derived great inspiration from watching the Princess Bride on cable with an overzealous media buy from Office Max. You can see it right now - someone came into the design studio and said "Prince Humperdink sleeves run through a paper shredder: GO."Also those spaghetti straps look awful close to a a pretty significant nip slip situation - I'm nervous for Nicole. Really and truly nervous.Ok - now that I've gotten that out of the way. Let's get to the good stuff. I'm going to start with a few that may seem outside of the norm for my usual likes.ANIMAL PRINT. I'm going to start by saying that ever since Felicity cut her hair in the second season, I haven't been 100% on board with anything Keri Russel's done fashion wise. And I mean, the hair and the accessories (except Matthew Rhys, what a hunk of a Welshman) here I could live without. What I will say is that this dress is an incredible feat of fancy. It has all of the right ingredients - cheetah print, flouncy layers, a plunging neckline and a CAPE! And honestly, you can just see the glow on Keri's face now that she has found the one and isn't chasing after a Ben or having to deal with a Noel.Although darlings, I'd absolutely deal with this Noel.Either way, I finally feel like Keri is giving me something to work with. Although now that I am looking at this with fresh eyes, I feel like it might have something to do with the fact that it looks so much like this animal print dress that Gwen wore way back when she was still with Gavin, before she was going to marry a Trump supporter and when all seemed right in the world.This incredible maternity look in fact brings me to my next fave:COLOR, SPECIFICALLY YELLOW. Darlings, when was the last time I liked anything in color? Mostly, I just find it to be completely unnecessary and so even I am shocked by the fact that I like this dress. And honestly, I think that it may only be because Natalie Portman wears it so well. Or because she's chosen such a traditional maternity gown. Or because this dress is completely evocative of the era of "Jackie," the film for which Portman was nominated. It takes a strong woman to look good in yellow with an empire waist.I will say that the beading on this feels like it was trying a little too hard to be tasteful, but to me just ended up looking like a sample of "bling #4" from that Boston wedding dress designer that does all of the weddings on "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding." I'm not saying it looks like one of those dresses - I'm saying it looks like some of the warehouse samples ended up on this dress.So maybe what I'm actually saying is that I don't really love this dress, but I do love Natalie Portman and am completely jealous that she can wear a schmata like this and still look completely and effortlessly unbelievable.I would be lying if I said this dress didn't remind me completely of She-Ra Princess of Power - if she were a Rockette. I think that I dreamt of this dress as a six year old - I mean it would be the only thing that could possibly work for riding off into the sunset with Ken on the back of a My Little Pony. But somehow it has translated into being the perfect thing for Miss Stone to wear to accept an award for "La La Land," (which I still haven't seen and am DYING t0).Her face is a flawless piece of art as well, and darlings, I just can't stop looking at this whole look. In fact, if I were to lose 50 pounds and have a second wedding, this is what I would wear. But I would also wear ALL OF THE DIAMONDS.Darlings, you know what I always say - if you are going to sparkle. SPARKLE.I've never said that before, but I'm going to start saying it all the time to take the place of "Go Big or Go Home." I hope you'll join me.#TeamJessJUST KIDDING.Darlings, you know I am always and forever #TeamLogan. But he didn't show up on the red carpet in a dashing navy suit with a collared black lapel and a mustache that I am both appalled and slightly turned on by. His bowtie is tied poorly and I wish he hadn't worn shiny shoes. But that's Jess for you - a pseudo-intellectual with little time left to learn how to dress himself.MANDY MOORE, In general. Darlings - I have a thing with Mandy Moore. I have a thing with the over activity of her mouth in any part she plays - like she is learning how to enunciate in high school theater as opposed to a narrow lens frame. Does that stop me from watching "A Walk to Remember" any time it comes on TV? Nope. Does that stop me from having the "Center Stage" soundtrack in my iTunes? Heavens no. So what I mean to say is that her over enunciation bothers me, but unlike some people with annoying quirks, I can still truly appreciate the wonder that is Mandy Moore (I mean, guys, she was great in Saved.) And this dress is a wonder of the world (although I could have done without the beaded waistband from David's Bridal). I mean. It's a navy blue caped gown. This is esentially the things my dreams are made of. And I love the deep deep V. I'd like to meet whoever did her boob makeup so I can get a lesson in golden glow contouring because darlings, it's never just about the dress. It's about the whole look.WHITE
Darlings, a white dress is both a terrible thing to waste and an incredibly difficult thing to pull off. These three ladies pretty much killed it in their winter whites.Issa Rae drove me wild in this Christian Siriano gown. It has all the trappings of something that I would love the most like long sleeves, a beaded Halston-esque pattern and simplicity. But on top of that darlings, it has a mock turtleneck. If you can rock a gown with a mock turtleneck, you are A OK in my book.Thandie Newton doesn't age. period. I mean, look at her in this dress. It's so simple, but so engrossing AND it takes some commitment because you have to stand up ballerina straight all night to keep it from falling down. One glass of bubbles for me and this would take me too close into Nicole territory.Now, I can't decide if I think Drew looks like a hot mess, or if she is just doing what she does. I think that she looks like the perfect mix of Julianne Moore in Boogie Nights and Kiernan Shipka, which I know is an odd duo, but you got to give it to her, she can really pull anything off. I love the caped sleeves and the bare shoulders, although I would have liked some extra bling in that deep V of hers.WOMEN IN SUITS. Listen, I know Evan Rachel Wood is getting a ton of buzz about her Dietrich-like situation on the red carpet last night, about how she wants girls to know that you don't HAVE to wear a dress if you don't want to. But she is also a size 2 with an agular face and the hairdo of the moment. I want to tell Evan Rachel Wood that most women don't look like her and therefore, need not listen to her self congratulatory manifesto on gender politics on the red carpet.Who I do want to listen to is Octavia Spencer. I want to listen to her tell me all about her velvet shoes and her matching pedicure and her tuxedo pant and her wide lapel. And I want her to tell me all about her love for Navy and how we are going to be best friends forever and ever while we bond over our gap teeth. And then I want her to share her secrets about her smoky eye and silky hair and then I want to drink a bottle of wine with her and ride around LA in a limo flailing outside of the moon roof. But I want her to keep her shoes on because God Forbid those got sacrificed to the LA night.What a class act.Which brings me around to my second favorite of the night.Kathryn Hahn knows how to do a red carpet. From the satin bra, to the just right amount of poolage on the pants to the alternatively blinged right hand to the fresh face and the bangs. I have zero negative things to say about this. She's a real person with great style and all I want to do is share a martini with her and gossip about things. Kathryn Hahn, you are a goddess, never change.And darlings, my favorite?Here is what I'll say about this. If I owned this dress, I would never take it off (of my left thigh because that's where it would fit). This whole situation from the lake of sequins to the velvet clutch to the MOST PERFECT SMOKY EYE EVER just really does it for me this year. This is what I imagine Barbra wearing as the curtains go up at Carnegie Hall. Look at me, New York, I am here and I am a perfect and don't you dare to try to rain on my parade.That's it for now darlings.xoxolcf