As a Critic, I had but two choices on the Red Carpet last night or why the oldies are always the goodies

  Darlings,The Critics Choice awards were last night. I was at my office Christmas party, so unfortunately no real time reviewing for me.And let's be honest, darlings, when was the last time I was overly impressed by any red carpet? Last nights was not much different. But as per the last few red carpets, I am going to keep my darkest of snark to myself and instead focus on the few inspired looks.There were two standouts for me last night. I know you're going to judge me, so I'm not even going to ask you not to judge me.So darlings, if you know me at all, you won't be surprised by this. The first John in my life has had quite a year. It's like 1994 all over again. 1994 of course, being the year that John Travolta made his comeback and the year that, as an 8 year old, I hated my parents for not allowing me to watch "Pulp Fiction," the movie that furnished his comeback - Although my dad did let us listen to the soundtrack all the way through and I did end up memorizing all of the interludes. Darlings, I think I would find it darling if an 8 year old gap toothed girl could repeat all of Samuel L. Jackson's expletive laden monologues. Precocious. Certainly. And then 22 years later, that same precocious gap-toothed child might go on to demand a $5 milkshake any time she'd have too much to drink. But it's a good thing my parents wouldn't let me watch it for context.Anyway, I digress, John Travolta has had a great year in spite of all the terrible media Scientology has gotten. He was a part of one of the greatest casts I've ever really witnessed. "The People v. OJ Simpson," was an incredible production. Not to be missed. And even if John Travolta hadn't been in it, I would have loved it. But I loved it even more because John Travolta was in it. Because the 5 year old in me who woke up extra early to watch "Grease" before school every day and the 9 year old who probably didn't truly understand the thematic of "Saturday Night Fever," and the 10 year old who fell in love with a trench coat wearing arch angel who ate a whole heck of a lot of white sugar (even for the 90s) and the 11 year old who was introduced to Vinny Barbarino - one of the greatest fictional characters ever - because that person appreciates a comeback story.And darlings, he's wearing a burgundy velvet jacket with wide lapels. If we were married, I would certainly steal that from his closet. It's bold and ballsy. And darlings, #sorrynotsorry, I still find him incredibly, incredibly handsome.So say what you will about John Travolta, but I refuse to listen.I mean, darlings. You know that I also happen to love Judith Light. I guess it's hereditary because so does my mother. Nobody wears a white pantsuit better than Judith Light. And even though my mom thinks that she overdoes the "Bubbie factor" on Transparent, I think she's a perfect Jewish grandmother. But darlings, this dress. Let's talk about it.It's maybe black, maybe navy, maybe charcoal. So basically my favorite color palette.It's sequined.It's sequined. and it's half sleeved.It's sequined. and it's half sleeved. and it's a turtleneck.It's sequined. and it's half sleeved. and it's a turtleneck. and it's like just a little too long.and I love it.In my dreams, I have a one woman show. And one of my outfits (I would change outfits like Nathan Lane as Albert Goldman as Starina in The Birdcage) would be this dress. And I would be about 8 inches taller than I am actually.http://www.bing.com/videos/search q=nathan+lane+birdcage+starina&view=detail&mid=3FBB1C706FD9253283043FBB1C706FD925328304&FORM=VIREAnd I would half talk, half sing and laugh from my sternum. People would throw red roses at the stage and I would throw them back, because I hate red roses. It would just be a part of the schtick. I would probably do re-imagined versions of songs like "A Lover's Concerto," "50 ways to leave your lover" and "Xanadu."Did you need to know that? No. But I felt like I wanted to tell you.So thank you Judith Light for allowing me to have a Wayne's World-esque dream sequence while sitting in my beige carpeted living room watching Top Chef re-runs on my ipad.Now darlings. Those two were really the only two that I felt the need to shout out. What I will say is that there were a lot of people that were in outfits that I am jealous that I am not tall or thin enough to wear. Outfits that were I to lose 60 pounds, I would probably wear on the regular. So let's take a look at those guys. Maybe they will give me the willpower to stop eating cheese. But probably not. Because some people are lactose intolerant and literally cannot eat cheese, so I feel like I should be grateful and really embrace my lactose tolerance as much as possible, for some are not as fortunate as I. (I'm looking at you, Jesse) So let's get one thing out of the way. I have turned into my mother. I looked into my new closet the other day, and 92% of it is black. So not entirely shocking that all of these on my wishlist are black. So let's start with Hugh Grant's lady (girlfriend? wife?) Side note: If I were dating Hugh Grant, I would make him do this every morning.Side note to the side note: I think that most everything that I do in life needs a side note. Discuss amongst yourselves.Anyway, back to Mrs. Grant. I envy many things about this outfit, but full disclosure, I do not envy the shoes. I think these shoes belong on someone waiting in line at Tao in a bandage dress smoking Marlboro Ultra Lights and wearing bad foundation. Go ahead, picture it. Visceral, right? Darlings, I will never. ever. have a waist that allows me to wear a double breasted jacket, let alone a double breasted jacket moonlighting as a dress. I mean that dress wouldn't have fit me minutes out of the womb. Which is probably why  I love it so much. Because I can't have it. Additionally, I am jealous that this woman can go onto the red carpet with apparently no makeup on. Ok, maybe Mrs. Grant. YOU WIN. Even if Hugh doesn't do the crab dance every morning. YOU WIN. And then we go to Evan Rachel Wood (the former Mrs. Manson). Listen. It's no surprise that I love a tux on a woman. And as a short, stubby make of a woman, I can't pull it off. And there is nothing that makes me more upset when I am getting ready for a black tie event than the fact that I can't wear a tux. Darlings, I'm note sure when it happened, but I have begun to reject dresses as a thing to have to wear to fancy parties. Heels, sure. Red lips, absolutely. But I want to wear pants. And I want to wear a tux. And I'm jealous that ERW can do both. AND ALSO HAVE THE HAIRCUT THAT I WANT BUT DON'T HAVE THE ANGLES FOR. Thanks Parents (no angles and no pulp fiction, I tell you, it was a tough life growing up). And finally, Rita Wilson. I mean. She's wearing a velvet wrap dress with hair that my lioness could only ever dream of becoming. Darlings, there are tassels, there's a wrist full of diamonds. And honestly, who cares about the Critics Choice Awards, 54 should have opened it's doors for one night only to welcome this diva in with open arms.And that's all she wrote my darlings. 1300 words later. I appreciate it if you've stuck it out.xoxolcf