‘Twas the night before the Election or I tried to write something real and this is all I could muster

Darlings,

This weekend I sat down to try to write my feelings out surrounding the election. The stakes, the history, the reasons why if you are still undecided (like, how) about who to vote for, you should vote for Joe Biden. Come on, really?

But nothing came out, just tears. And then in the great tradition of satire in my family (My great Uncle Tom wrote “On Top of Spaghetti,” a children’s satire of “On Top of Old Smokey” but that is a different story for a different day), this kind of toppled out of me.

And after months of stress donating, phone banking and canvassing, it made me laugh out loud as I wrote it. So I’m sorry I don’t have a more compelling argument to vote for Joe, or a more personal story of what damage another four years of Trump will do to some of the people I love the most.

All I have for you is this loose satire of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. And an ask that you will vote if you haven’t already.

I love you, I mean it. The subject matter is not funny, but I hope this makes you laugh like a tiny little bit.

xoxo

LCF

Twas the Night Before the Election

—

Twas the Night before the election and all through the house

Every creature was on schpilkes, even and most especially the mouse (who might be mice by now, but God please no) 

The lawn signs were taped in the window askew, 

In hopes that Uncle Joe would compel votes from all passing through. 

The human beings most decent quivering deep in their beds

While visions of the worst case scenario danced through their heads. 

And Uncle Joe in his sunnies and Mamala in her chucks 

Continued to traverse the country masked in pursuit of just a few extra bucks 

When high on the podium just like the Third Reich 

Trump opened his mouth, actively seeking a fight 

“The Doctors are evil, they just want a buck 

The Scientists, I tell you, they don’t give a fuck 

The Jews, they’re my family, but still I don’t like ‘em

The Nasty Women - hey you over there - go ahead and go fight’ em.

The Children in cages, I’ve misplaced their parents 

And Rights of your uterus? I don’t see the merits 

Love isn’t love unless you’re a breeder 

So don’t even try it, “But I’m a Cheerleader””

More Rapid than Eagles, his coursers they came, 

And whistled and shouted and called them by name 

“Now! Mikey, Now! Mitchy! Now Lindsay and Susan! 

On Billy! On Rudy! On Joshy and Bannon. 

To the KKK! To the Proud Boys! To QAnon, Call. 

But when they ask us, we don’t know them at all  

We’ll take their insurance, preclude them from care 

Light their houses on fire and blame the foreign au pair 

Our rallies infectious and our policies divisive

Those who follow us, much less than incisive”

It’s shocking to many, how he came into power

Considering especially, his demeanor so dour 

He had a pumpkinlike face and a big round belly 

It shook when he grimaced, like a bowl full of jelly 

T’was  agressively  obscene, a right jolly old boy 

I cried when I saw him, true enemy of the hoi polloi

His eyes - how they yellow, his jowls oh so sickly

Waxy skin like a crayon, voice a burden so prickly 

His droll little mouth, puckered up like an anus 

And his own narcissism was really quite heinous.

A gaggle of children so evil and vile 

Addicted to power, heightened capitalist bile 

His daughters so blinded, self loathing & Stepford

Wives he’d make of them, that history quite chequered

The prodigal sons, powdered rage through their veins, 

Their desire for dominance they couldn’t contain

The family together, backstabbing and curt 

Hidden up in a tower, where monsters traditionally lurk 

And off in the townships, engaged with the masses

Joe Biden mourns the mistakes of what’s passed him 

An imperfect human, like all people are 

But eager to repent for a history flawed

To mothers and daughters, to equity and might

His clear prerogative is to try to make what’s wrong, right 

To science and pronouns, to uterine autonomy 

And to knowing that the market is not the economy 

Drawing enemy lines, he points out the racists

And refutes the ill claims, they are quite baseless

To bring back civility, to empower the masses

He’ll do it all right behind those gold rimmed glasses

It’s high time we elect someone we can take pride in, 

So cry it out loud, “We’re ridin’ with Biden”